Well, I don't know about any of you guys, but my week last week was almost entirely awesome. Probably because I was out of the country for 7 days on a cruise with Dee Jay and my in-laws. OMG what a blast that was!

We had to fly to San Juan to board the boat. We went to St. Thomas, Barbados, St.Lucia, St. Kitts and St. Maarten. One day was a sea day. I tried my best not to overeat on the cruise but...god, the temptation was great and I failed with flying colors, LOL! I don't think I was as bad as some of the other people there, eating 4 starters and 3 entrees and stuff, but if I felt even remotely hungry I went straight to the Lido deck to get some food, lol! One of the things the family kept telling me is that eating is what you're supposed to do there; it's plentiful and all over the place, so why not? I did real good for about 2 days. Then I threw caution to the wind. Now I'm passing wind because of all the crap still digesting in my belly. LOL!!!

Other than the constant eating, we spent most of the days out and about the islands. We know in St. Thomas iguanas walk like they own the streets and apparently hate towels with a passion, monkeys pretty much own St. Kitts, The sulfur springs are wonderful in St. Lucia and St. Maarten has an airport directly across the street to a beach. The planes are so close to the public when they land that you can almost touch them. There's even signs that say standing too close to the fence during arrival and takeoff can cause severe bodily injury and/or death. Yay, what a prospect to look forward to! LOL!

I might have to finish this up later...I'm pooped!!

I swear to god I haven't been abandoning this thing on purpose! I've just...well, I just don't think I've had anything interesting to say in awhile. I've been staying home alot more often now that I'm working almost exclusively on art and at conventions and stuff, which is hella rewarding; but it's still not making the money that I am hoping it would. That's not to say that I expected ourselves to be an overnight success, but...my goodness, freelance is hella hard to find. Sometimes, it feels so daunting that I don't even know where I'd want to begin! ARRG.

The conventions have been fabulous though. I'll admit, the one we did up north we didn't do as well money wise, but it was still a great time that was had. We met some great people and sold one of Dee Jay's spray paintings during the drive home, lol!! Megacon was fan-flipping-tastic! We were like, 30 bucks under our AFO end total which honestly blew me away. I had no idea that we'd be as well received as we were there, with all the amazing talent surrounding us. I was hella worried and honestly afraid that we were going to bomb this one, only because there were so many better options (in my opinion at least) I was wondering why the hell people would even come over to our table. But they did, and bought alot of stuff and I was floored and so thankful to everyone that came by and talked with us or bought something. I'm totally doing this again next year.

I've got nothing convention wise next month, so I'm hoping to power through the rest of these commissions so that I can focus on some new art for the next cons coming up in april. We're selling at least one original piece at every con which is great but that leaves alot of pockets in my portfolio that need to be filled back up, lol! I've already got a few new concepts so I'm looking forward to focusing on that soon. I think I might just have to find a way to divide my time with commissions and personal work, so that I don't get burned out with too much of one particular thing.

I think...I think that's it for now, lol! I'm sorry, I've been kind of unnecessarily scattered lately. I'll have to fix that soon, lol!!

I've just been posting here alot less that I've intended to. Which sucks because I really do enjoy blogging for funzies. This month has been hectic as HELL though. I'm at the home stretch on an animation for a client and it's been taking up almost every second of my time as of late. Seriously, it's been wake up, go to desk draw 'till I'm hungry...which is a very bad thing for me. When I'm really into a project I get into the habit of not wanting to get up unless I absolutely have to. There are days that I have to ask myself "did I eat today?" or worse still "when was the last time I ate?" At one point I think I hit a 3 day mark.

Then again that's what happens when I'm animating. Funny, when I started this project I kinda told myself that since I don't have any other real distractions, like classes or the theme park, I'd be able to pace myself well and keep a regular 8hr day and be able to do other things. Nope. I was able to do that in the concept and boarding stages, but once it got down to the knitty gritty of it all, I became a full blown hermit. Seriously, I've gone out of this room only for potty breaks and to get water. I've been in this room so long I'm about to start talking to the drawings on my wall for company, LOL!

I've been pulling some insane hours as of late too. 22 was my highest so far. on average I'd say I work 10-12 though before I'm either too tired, or Dee Jay needs to use the computer for our project (since this one doesn't die like our laptops do) or my hand is too swelled and hurts to draw anything. At the moment, it's the hand swelling. It hurts like a bitch! I hate it! *cries*

At the same time though? OMG it's coming out so nice!! It kind of sucks that I can put in a full work day for only a few seconds of final result but at the same time there's that feeling of satisfaction knowing the character looks nice and is coming alive right before you! That honestly keeps me going while I'm working; I'll be seeing a real cute little animation at the end; something that i helped create and bring to life!

Ok, I'd better ice and brace this hand before the knot on the wrist gets worse, lol.

The other morning I was humming random Disney tunes in my head and Hunchback of Notre Dame's "Feast of Fools" was on cerebral repeat. Besides this movie being awesome, it stands out for a couple sentimental reasons; one, when my cousin and I shared a room she used to make me sing damn near the entire soundtrack to her before she went to sleep. You know, during those days when I thought I was going to grow up and be a famous singer and sing for Disney and all that (how I was going to do that with stage fright, I'll never know, but hey these were childhood dreams, lol!) and also because that's one of the few animated movies that Dee Jay had yet to see. Spent the rest of the day really wanting to watch it with him. Not just watch, but make a neat little event out of it; something to match the theme of the movie.

When I told him I wanted to watch the movie with him he was all for it. What's better, he was totally in with the themed night too (awesome!) so after we did our rounds after work we went to Publix and went all out; wine, cheese and fruit; crusty bread, olive oil and salt & pepper to spice it with. We snuck away into our room, arranged all the fixins and  pressed play. I'm happy to say that after all these years I still remember most of the lyrics to the songs and I did my best to sing them quietly so I wouldn't ruin the movie. My fav part was watching Dee Jay choke on his wine laughing at the part where Quasimodo grabbed Pheobus at the stairway and Quasi has him like, 3 feet off the ground, LOL! It was nice also to admire the movie again, not just for the fact that it was good, but spotting little technical things like AE masks and filters, cycles, slow ins/outs and so many other little nuances that give characters so much flair. It was just pretty awesome to re-visit a bit of my childhood, re-discover things I might have missed and now that I know a bit more of what goes into an animation, to find a whole slew of new things to love about it as well. That, and hearing Dee Jay's astonishment about how big Esmeralda's rack is. That's my baby! LMAO!

With all the drama going down with jobs and health, It was great to just forget about everything for awhile to have some good, uninterrupted quality time with my hubby. I really hope to do it again someday soon.

I really shouldn't be doing anything besides sleeping since i have work tomorrow. But I'm feeling like complete and total crap, so trying to wind down is being a real pain in the behind. Dee Jay's nursing a severely sprained knee and I'm worried like mad over it. He's doing much better than he was the other day, but when he came home tuesday he was in tears. It breaks me up so much to see him that way.  He's on crutches at the moment and he's really trying to not have to use them. I commend him for it, but I just hope he doesn't push himself too hard! I can't help it, I worry, lol!

I'm on my last stretch with these storyboards. It's almost a relief to be done with them; there was a point where I was so blocked I wanted to cry. Plus it was way out of my comfort zone; it was a mecha based story. I've never even drawn a toaster (figuratively) let alone a mecha, lol! But it's a good thing; it was a challenging story to convey and I hope that it works well when i compile them into an animatic. It's great getting back into something animation related. It's even better knowing I haven't completely lost it.

MetroCon was wonderful and it left me with a few commissions that I had to take home with me, so I'll be working on that almost as soon as I finish this animatic. I think I might try to push more commission works again; there's been a positive spike in our pageviews of our public sites, so I'm hoping we can take advantage of that in a way, lol,

I guess I should try to sleep. It's gonna be over 100 degrees again tomorrow. I need whatever rest i can sweat off for tomorrow, LOL!

Today was nothing short of fantabulous. Nothing even happened today really, Just getting chores done and Dee Jay and I finally getting our schedules to mesh accordingly so we can sit and dedicate some serious time into the business. We've got MetroCon coming up in a couple of weeks; this will be our first real test to see how long we've suffered being out of the con scene, getting a feel for what's buzzing in the artist's alley, to network with others and catch up with people...I'm excited and super scared all at the same time.

Oh, did I mention that we got all our paperwork approved? Yep, GenkiGoth Studios is now a legal and active LLC. I can't begin to describe how awesome it feels. Not that we're banking or anything really. We had some money set aside to establish the business and start getting things we've needed....one of the hardest hits being some new equipment that will get us one step closer to facilitating our animation process. Well, that's the plan anyway, lol. I've been working on a commercial of sorts to get GGS some buzz again and to support the local artists that are there. I don't think it'll be played anyplace significant on such short notice, but there are still lots of people that attend Metro and at the very very least, we can have it looping at our desk or something like that. At the same time though, if I can't have it by then I've also got AFO, and I think I have more time to talk to them about it. Other than that, it's been making a hefty supply list, figuring out what we need left to buy in order to sell and what sort of "grabby" things we want to have out that's affordable enough for people to buy. It's almost as challenging as making the art itself, lol. Let's be serious, negotiation related to pricing can be a real pain in the ass. I want it all to be affordable but I also want us to make some kind of a profit too.

I'm trying to think about this whole thing as seriously because I feel like it's gonna be real different now. We've been out for awhile. We're going to a con we've never been to and we're no longer a slightly organized hobby. We made a monetary commitment to make this thing a real biz and I hope we are successful. I mean, it's not gonna happen overnight I'm sure lol! But I'm reeeeallly hoping that I'm establishing some kind of good biz habits so that I don't kill myself in the stress of it later on, lol!

MetroCon is the 17 of this month. Oh.Mu.Gosh. It's gonna be insane.

I feel like I've been making my presence less and less known as the months drag on. Could be that maybe February has still been gnawing at me, which is quite lamentable seeing has how it's not getting me anywhere. Seriously, I don't know how long I'm gonna grieve until I'm quite back to my former self. I'm not used to this, and I'm not really liking it either. Life moves on regardless, and I'm trying to force myself back into the present and get back to things that I've been wanting to do, make myself motivated so that I'm not just going through motions of the day. I need to live again, simply existing is simply exhausting, lol.

I made one step in the right direction though. Today I spent the better part of the day stuck in my seat reading and getting stuff together to make our business an formal entity. Hopefully I should get the papers within the month. I've talked about it enough, Dee Jay and I have talked about what we wanted and needed till the cows came home but we never took action. Today I guess I figured if want to get it done, I'm going to have to get it done. So I did. It's a small accomplishment but...dammit it feels great! I just need to file one more piece of info so that I can tax properly.

Cons are coming up in the next few months, and I'm hoping to get my hands in them as soon as I can. That also means getting suitable goods to sell at said conventions, but I'm really need to try to take advantage of the fact that the park closes early. I'll be tired as hell when I get home, but I gotta make myself understand that some lost sleep is just a sacrifice for something that will, god willing be profitable in the long run.

Also, I seem to be scratching my head as to what to sell besides just prints at our tables. So far, we've considered:
bookmarks
postcards
stickers
buttons (maybe?)

Other options are
Sketchbooks (rough in process work)
artbooks (a selection of finished work)
posters
calendars

I'm in a bind as to what people would really use nowadays. I'm a paper junkie, so traditional calendars, planners and stuff I use, but in the world of Blackberrys and iPhones, I don't know if anyone even consider these options anymore.

Anyone have any ideas?

I guess it was a good thing that I was away from the computer for as long as I was. Hearing the news about your death left me extremely angry and I would’ve most likely have said a lot of stuff that I might not have meant.

 

I say “might” because in reality, I’m still rather embittered by you leaving us the way you did. No real warning, no time for anyone to brace themselves for impact; you were here one moment, then gone the next. No one ever say it coming. At least, I didn’t. And you know, I could accept it if it was something like a car crash or something terminal; something that we could’ve been like, “you know this sucks, but what can you do?” (forgive the bluntness of that last line but…you know what I mean.) This just feels like it’s not…that. This felt completely avoidable. I question why God would choose to take you the way he did.

 

Oh god, the questions. We’ve all been asking and throwing hypotheticals all week, but in the end, the only one that knows for sure isn’t around. So we humor ourselves, drawing conclusions out of the air so we can sleep at night…or keep ourselves up past dawn. Either way, we’re all lost in thoughts of you. And I don’t want to be. Because when I’m alone with my thoughts I think of you and I go crazy because I don’t know to say goodbye to someone I thought I was getting real close to.

 

I’ll be honest in that I don’t recall too much of you or Rosie when I was younger. I know you lived with us up until we moved to Puerto Rico, I know that you both used both TV’s in the house to watch your soap operas (which annoyed the hell outta me when I wanted to watch cartoons) and I sued to love when the phone rang because you guys would run down the stairs and sounded like a herd of elephants to wee who could get to the phone first. I half looked forward to, and yet hated when you had gum because while I always knew I’d get a piece, I knew it would always be a half of the piece you were currently chewing…which would explain why I can’t stand gum the moment it starts to lose its flavor. Wow. I learn something new every day, LOL.

 

Other than that though, I don’t recall too much. I think it was because I thought you were closer to Rico because he was older and did more with everyone, I think I just assumed he was more important. You know, sibling rivalry stuff.

 

Not until my scoliosis surgery did stuff start sticking with me. I can’t remember how it got there, but you got me a 17 magazine while I was in the hospital. I read that thing cover to cover. I guess mom told you I liked it, because you got me 2 more subscriptions after that. I also remember a time where mom came back from NY with this GINORMOUS sketchbook (the 11x17” comic sized sketchbook to be exact!) and a butt load of markers that she said you got me from the Aqueduct flea market.  It took me a bit to even draw on that because I thought it was too awesome to touch. Whenever we talked it was stuff like what music do you listen to and do you have a boyfriend and stuff like that. It threw me off initially because I never thought I was worth talking to, but I loved it because it was like “wow, this isn’t a segway into me giving the phone to mom or dad or Rico, she’s actually asking about me!

 

Then recently I felt like I kinda bonded with you with my artwork. I hate how my stuff comes out half the time, and I know my parents will always like my stuff but, you kinda saw it on a different level. You enjoyed the process of me trying to identify myself artistically. I’m still shocked that you kept one of my digital pieces. And I laughed SO hard when my friend Stephanie called me about you, saying how you were sending her mean messages and stuff about a watercolor I posted. You had no idea she was just fooling around and while I found it extremely hilarious, I was amazed that you’d go into a flame war on my behalf (I could’ve really have used your help in November, LOL) I couldn’t wait to show you my Senior Project and when you came down to visit FL, I regretted leaving my stuff in MN and really felt bad that I had nothing new to show you.

 

But god, that visit was amazingly awesome. I was so mad to be at work because I wanted to stay home and hang out with you all. I could’ve flown home I was driving so fast! But it was great hearing the house so noisy and loud and we talked about everything and nothing all at once. I hated the day you left because I knew the house was going to be dead quiet. But it was bearable; that visit reminded me why I miss my family so much and drove me to make more effort to keep in contact. I didn’t want to lose that connection again. So I messaged you and texted you throughout the months and we’d be counting down the months ‘till you came back to visit.

 

Now…now I just don’t know what to do.

 

I don’t know how to deal with the fact that you’re not here. And it’s tearing me up. I find myself trying to fill my head with anything to keep you out of it. It works for a little while, then it’s right back to you. Even at your funeral I kept saying I love you and I miss you but I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye. I keep thinking I’m going to hear from you at some point, or like, when I was in NY, like I just missed you by just a few minutes. Even now, I’m working, and I’ll be like, ‘oh, maybe she’s busy, maybe she’s tired. I wonder what she thought of the like I sent her?’I haven’t faced up to the reality that, they’re not near misses. You’re not busy or tired. You’ll never see that link. You’re dead. And no amount of masking or denying or busy work I do is going to change that. And yet, I fear moving forward because I don’t want to lose you. I fear I might forget your face, who you are. I don’t think I can live with the thought of going “oh yeah, her.” But then, what do I do?

 

Josie, what do I do? How do I accept this? How do I mourn? How do I remember you? How do I move on? Give me something…anything! Anything that I can use to face this reality. To let go, to release this pain, this immense hurting, that keeps me up at night, that makes me ache for you. I don’t want time to heal my wounds, I want you to heal me. I want to say goodbye so, as a friend of mine put it, you’re not completely a dark memory. I want to say goodbye so that when I think of you, it’s of your time here, not when you left. I want to say goodbye so that I can be at peace.

 

I want to say goodbye so that you can be at peace.

Today, for the first time in my entire life, I felt like running. I was sitting in my car in the parking lot at work and I just couldn't bring myself to gather my belongings to get out of the car. I messaged Dee Jay telling him that every part of me wanted to simply pull out of the lot and drive. I didn't care where I didn't care for how long. Didn't matter what my manager would think of me or how my family would react if and when i came home. I just wanted to go. Dee Jay told me later today that if I've gotten to that point where i physically dread going to work, then I need to find something new.

I'll be honest, a part of me felt really excited that I could even entertain that kind of a thought. Dee Jay and I have talked and commented on the romantic-ness of it all but of course we'd never actually give it any more thought than that. I still had my keys in the ignition. I'm just...tired. I'm even more disappointed that I'm this exhausted. When we talked about moving back to FL, it was because we'd be helping our families (or at least, my family) but we both pinky-swore that we weren't going to fall back into a rut. We were going to pursue our careers, or find something that can pay us something worth working for so that we can support ourselves and my family. We said that we'd dedicate time to our craft and not put that in the back burner.

Ideas are so beautiful. They're picturesque and invigorating. You can just close your eyes and see yourself at that point of success. Saying and doing though, are completely different things.

I've gone artistically stale since november. It's been like pulling teeth to get a sketch down, let alone get any animation projects started. Money has slowly been dwindling because of the increasing loans and whatever new expenses that the family needs us to front. The new expenses have also been keeping us from investing any money into ourselves so I can't even mail anything out to companies to advertise myself for any jobs that may be out there. Everyday is just the same thing. Get up, work, art (maybe) and sleep. I get up and do it again. Dee Jay has been back to his 50-60 hour work weeks again thanks to his 3 jobs, so anything that we'd like to do jointly (website stuff, biz matters) we can't because he's usually busy. I don't even see him on our days often anymore because of it.

Well fuck, if this is what was going to happen upon our return, why the hell did we need to leave in the first place? I didn't need to go to art school to make minimum wage, I didn't need to spend all that time animating and drawing if i wasn't going to be using any of it constructively. Why did I bother if I was going to end up exactly where I was 3 years ago?

I'm done with it all. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be anywhere near what's familiar. I want to yell and scream at myself for getting myself into this, for allowing this to compound and get to this point and cry my eyes out. But I can't even do that because there's not a single spot I can go to to be alone. Anywhere.

I can't help but feel like I've become a total failure and waste since I've come back home. I was a fool to think that I could ever be more than what I've amounted to be. Nothing.

I've got nothing to show for my life at this point besides a shit load of debt and some art.

I'm useless.

I've been thinking alot about this year...I've made some pretty big accomplishments, and have been living through quite a few failures. Biggest up for me this year was graduating. That's hands down. It was a great 3 years, I've learned alot about myself as an artist, my work ethic has been tested many many times and I've discovered that I've got alot more in me creatively then I give myself credit for.

The down for this year has been the post school. I feel like I'm right back where I was in '07, except with a husband and a different job. What i've feared has pretty much come to pass; I've fallen into the work rut. For the past few months it's been work, home, sleep. My days off that are meant for art have been spent doing laundry, cleaning and other chores I don't want to do.

It's basically work from my job and work at home, but no work just for me. And it's getting to the point where everytime I try I'm either interrupted or I am simply too tired to motivate myself to want to create. Which is a very bad thing for an animator, because the longer you don't draw, the harder it'll be when you get back into it, you know?

I can't keep living like this. Back in school it was all about art and nothing else. I can't expect that bubble to surround every facet of my life (as much as i'd like it to, LOL) Just like in school, I have to learn how to tackle different projects simultaneously. It's harder because it's not like it's for a grade, so there's not that same pressure, but at the same time, that should be all the pressure I need to press myself to do more. Because there's no one telling me to do something. I should be able to do it for myself. I don't want to stay at my current employment place any longer than I have to. I don't want Dee Jay to have to stay someplace he might not want to be. I want us to be doing animation again. I need that movement in my life. I want to do it before I get so cold I'll begin to fear it.

I'm hoping to do this with a resolution list. This one might be the biggest one I've ever made for myself. Some seem pretty do-able, some are preps for next year (2012) but all are things I'd like to at least approach in some way. Whatever I do, I can't continue doing what i'm doing now. It isn't getting me anywhere.

New Years Resolution:

1. Finish Jason's Shitty Day
  Even in its animatic stage I got great feedback from it and I got wonderful reactions in terms of staging and sound and stuff. This needs to be finished.
2. Revise and name Japanese myth animation
  My original senior project was an updated version of one of the more common lore from Japan's culture. I still need an ending and it still needs a f**king name. If anyone has any questions or would like to see the boards i have for it so far, i'd love to show you. I really need the critique and at this point it's still very very malleable.
3. Alter and board Yeh-Shen
  Another animation I want done in the future. This one might be my most time intensive yet. I've posted some ch. designs if anyone is interested in seeing them, just lemme know.
4. Find an animation job
  Easier said than done, I know. Stupid recession!
5. Build up Etsy
6. Invest in self
  DVD's business cards, post cards, any kind of self promotional things I can use to get my name and my art out there.
7. Work on Art for Art Sale
you'd think this is a stupid thing to say, but seriously...the earlier i think about it, the better. It beats trying to struggle for something creative 2 months before.
8. Attend SDCC and /or NYCC
  Partly for networking and exposure, partly for seeing friends that attend that I haven't seen in ages. I also just really...REALLY wanna go!
9. Get table for AFO
10. Get table for MegaCon '12
  I'm almost positive that they sell tickets and tables for the following year at the last day of the con. The sooner the better, right?
11. Get table for OhayoCon'12
  We've been trying to get to this one for years. We even paid once and couldn't go because of the snow. This needs to happen!
12. Finish Book It
I've been avoiding that thing like the plague. I've just worked so long on that thing that my eyes have grown tired just looking at it now. But it's the closest thing to finished I have! And honestly, save for just one scene that needs to be added, everything that needs fixing is pretty cosmetic.
13. Put at least 1 animation in a festival.
  Any kind of festival. I don't care. None of it is doing me any good on my desktop. I need to show more people what i can do!
14. Publish studio website
  Can you believe Dee Jay and I have owned our studio name for years and haven't actually wrote a single code to get the thing off the ground?? We took a summer class on HTML. We're not masters, but we're at least more familiar with what needs to be done.
15. Promote our studio 
  Of course, 15 can't happen without 14.
16. Recruit friends for animation project to start working on in 2012
  This might sound like slave labor, but seriously, alot of us are itching to just do something, and those that I've spoken to already are completely on board with working together on a group project. Our first animation where we are completely and totally in control! Alright!
17. Cont. trying to learn Japanese
  This is something I started feverishly and then it died off almost as soon as I moved back home. I overheard a Japanese family talking to each other and I was shocked that I almost got the whole conversation. Imagine how much more I would've caught if I could comprehend better!!
18. Get started learning Chinese
  Cantonese, specifically. It was my first time seeing my niece in NY and all she spoke was chinese. I had to write certain words down so I would remember what she wanted when she asked me. This situation looks like it'll get alot worse before it gets better for me. I've been putting learning cantonese in the back burner for years. Don't think I can do that anymore, LOL
19. Get back into playing piano
  I've played piano non stop for a little over 5 years. Then I moved to FL and I almost stopped entirely. There are still songs I remember, but I'm horribly rusty. However, I refuse to give away or get rid of my full piano. I felt good to play. I miss it. I think I need to play. Even if it's just drills, it's something.
20. Polish/update Demo Reel
21. Save enough money to move out for 2012. This is another one that seems stupid, but with student loans and myself not pulling in anything substantial in paycheck form, we very well might need a year (maybe even a touch more) if we want a place of our own again.

Now, I got these all down, but...what to do to keep them fresh and always in my face so that I can follow through?? Not sure whether or not I need to make a blog or get a book or something to keep these goals in check. I could also try to break this all down in smaller chunks so that it doesn't feel so daunting....and yes, seeing that giant list written down was just as terrifying as me typing it, LOL!

any suggestions would be great. Now, I'm gonna have to hit the sack hecause I'm tired as hell!!